The Wikibooks project had a
Jokebook which it deleted in December 2005.
The Internet Archive Wayback Machine had a copy of some of the jokes
from March/April 2005 and these are copied below, in three sections: "What do you call ...?", "Two cows", and "Knock, knock".
The edit links do not work.
All Wikibooks text is available under the terms of the
GNU Free Documentation License. Henry Bottomley
What do you call ...?
"What do you call" jokes generally lead off with the question "What do you call a person (generally in an impractical
situation)?" followed by an answer which most likely relates the person's name to the situation.
The following list was assembled from various lists found on the internet. Some of these jokes may not have been published and
may have been contributed by one or more members of the the Wikifoundation community.
"You have two cows" is the beginning phrase for a series of political joke definitions. "You have two cows" jokes originated as a parody of typical "Economics 101" examples featuring a farmer in a
moneyless society, using his cattle and produce to trade with his neighbors. The examples ran along the lines of "You have two
cows; you want chickens; you set out to find another farmer who has chickens and wants a cow, etc." They were meant to show
the limitations of the barter system, leading to
the eventual introduction of currency and money.
The "two cows" parodies however, place the cow-owner in a fully-fledged economic system where cows are used as a metaphor for all currency, capital, means of production, etc. The
intent is often to point out flaws and absurdities in those systems.
The following list of these "two cows" jokes was assembled from over 20 different versions found on the internet. Some of
these jokes may not have been published and may have been contributed by one or more members of the the Wikifoundation
community.
You have two cows. They both fart methane. They both have hair all over them. If they get much more hair on them they will
become Hairier Jets. If the Feds hear about it, they will appropriate funds to build them their own runways at airports. Nader
will stop it after spending millions of dollars to get the Feds to admit that cows don't fly.
You have two cows. You milk them for the benefit of the collective, which in turn provides you with other necessities, until
Franco's army slaughters all of you.
You have two cows. One transforms into an enormous fighting robot and soars into outer space to battle the intergalactic
menace, Lord Hiroyashi. The other grows enormous udders and struts around. Some j-pop plays. Both cows vanish...until...NEXT TIME
ON COWARUKI WARRIORS!
You have two cows. You don't believe they exist. The cows perform miracles for you, and you still don't believe they exist.
You shoot yourself because life has no meaning.
You have two cows. The evidence is all around the farmyard, shit everywhere, but you still don't believe they exist.
You have two cows. You witnessed the birth of your cows, so you assume nothing supernatural exists.
You have two cows. Through empirical observation you learn how to care for them and benefit from them. Your theist neighbor
has no cows, but their God said it's okay to take your cows. A miracle!
You don't have two cows. People say cows perform miracles, but you never find evidence of any. You never find cow shit in the
yard. Your neighbours find chicken shit and think it's cow shit, but they don't have cows either.
You have two cows. Your theist neighbor prays to them daily and gets really mad whenever you milk them. When he catches you
drinking some of the milk, you are burned at the stake.
You have two cows. They compete in blaming the Jews for everything until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a
mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it
would violate your sovereignty.
You have two cows. They are actually very extraordinary cows, renowned for both the quality of their milk, and the speed with
which they can give it. One day, one of the cows, which had been starting to get a little old, begins to give more milk than it
ever had previously, and of better quality than ever previously. People begin to come to your farm for the express purpose of
seeing your special cow give its extraordinary quantity of milk. When day after day, your aging cow continues to give milk like
no cow ever had before, the media begins to ask questions about whether your cow may have been specially doctored to give so much
quality milk. Come to think of it, you can recall a farm hand from several months back who had been known to carry syringes, but
you tell the press nothing. Eventually, the press hunts down the farmhand and he admits that he had injected milk-producing
agents into the younger cow. You slaughter the younger, now broken down, cow, and sell the older one for 10 million dollars on
ebay. The press tells you you've done right.
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
missing cows.
You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being
required to have at least 45 percent fruit).
You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful
with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms
before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the
pacifist monks are satisfied.
You have two cows. One has BSE. If you checked whether they have BSE, you might find out, so you just declare there is no
problem from BSE in your country. If you do find out that your cow has BSE, you blame it on Canada.
You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the
other. You are then paid to not milk cows.
You have two cows. The government takes one, and milks it dry. Then it asks you to fill out forms explaining why the cow is
missing. The government then pays you to take care of the milk. The government takes the second cow and leaves it somewhere until
it dies. Then it takes the milk you had and spills it down the drain. You again have to fill out forms for the missing cow and
for the lost milk. You are then paid to sit on your bum and never put in a decent day's work again. A certain government agency
calls and tells you are doing the right thing.
You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not
in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten
Hail Marys.
You have two (Bleeping) cows. You wish to say something about the (bleep) situation in which they establish a pointless
(bleepity-bleep) tax. You write an article, except all the essential information is erased, and you blame the (bleep) government.
It turns out they did do it, but just to keep you quiet, they give you two more cows, and then double the tax.
You have two cows. You load them onto your ark to survive the oncoming floodwaters. All subsequent cows are now decendants of
these two cows. You still aren't sure why you let the cockroaches onboard.
You have two cows. The provincial
government reduces the cow tax, and you buy another cow. Then the provincial government deals with its reduced tax revenue by
downloading costs on the regional municipality, which raises property taxes. You sell one of your cows to pay the higher property
tax. The cattle dealers keep voting Tory.
You have two cows. You sell their milk for two dollars a bottle. Farmer Joe sells his for one fifty a bottle. The government
outsources milk production and Moomoomilk. Inc. merges with Farmer Joe, selling milk for fifty cents a bottle. Eventually, you go
bankrupt and sell the cows, while Moomoomilk, Inc. has its board of directors convicted of fraud. The company disbands, and now
nobody has milk.
You have two cows. One becomes a computer programmer and earns lots of money, until she turns 21, when she is laid off and
dies without producing any milk. Her savings pay for her college debts. Your other cow wastes your lifeblood by playing Everquest
and later dies after playing 24 hours in a row.
You have two cows. They have calves. Honoring their calves promotes you to a second degree governor. After you slaughter the
original cows, you die, go to the Halls of the Dead, and are subjugated to the 99-odd Tortures of Death.
You have two cows. A large body of rich people decide what you do with them. Twenty years later, your cows die and rich
people blame you for their death. Now Congress will decide your fate for murdering cows at some point or time. You die before the
decision is made. The rich people mourn for the cows and name them after a social security bill.
You cannot have cows. The constitution was granted to us by the almighty, God, and it is our duty to support it. If the
constitution does not mention cows, they must not exist.
You don't have any cows. The bank won't lend you any money to buy cows because you don't have any cows.
You have two cows. You give them both to your landlord who sits around all day producing nothing. You slave away for pittance
and respect your landlord as an upstanding citizen, how else would he have earned all that capital? You criticise socialism even
though it bought you free education and healthcare. You vote for the conservative party which cuts the tax of your landlord. You
believe this is the peak of human society and its all downhill from here.
You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to
Hollywood. You
go into real estate.
You have two cows. You sell one, and give the other one drugs until it can produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when the cow drops dead.
You have two cows. You are suspicious of them. They look foreign or Abbo. With only 10 million acres of outback per honest
Australian cow you can't afford to take chances. You isolate the cows on a small Pacific island pending further enquiries. The
cows die on hunger strike.
You have two cows. You milk them, and try to sell the milk to the Americans. You can't, and blame the protectionist policies
of the US, Canada, and Europe. The government then creates the Cow Tax. You have to sell one of your cows to pay for it.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
You have two cows. You borrow 80 percent of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with five
percent down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20 billion at a rate two times
prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a second
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns
eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet
provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site
COW (cows on web).
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. When you come back from lunch, the TV and the
Press (which you own) are announcing that the two cows have reproduced to become 2,000 cows during lunch. You and your brand-new
colleague, Rino "Chi-Chi the cat-buggerer" Torricelli (a respected Sicilian businessman with an international pharmaceutical
empire) now qualify for a huge EEC grant. You still don't know where the cows are.
You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide. The cows learn to bow to each other.
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed to the other cow. Then you create a website and start
offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks,
your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful
new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the $0.10 per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets
back to $0.10 a few months later when the investors who bought it realize that your business has no earnings and never will,
despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers
and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but
you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to ten years in prison, of which you actually serve seven
weeks. When you come out, you buy two chickens.
You mass produce genetically modified cows, establish a local monopoly, and sell low-quality, possibly adulterated
milk at inflated prices, all the while doing horrendous damage to the environment. Your bank account grows fatter and fatter.
When people complain, you hire a team of lawyers and pay for advertisements saying how great you are.
You have two cows. You sell both and buy an elephant. You create a marketing campaign to tell people an elephant works better
in agriculture and produces better tasting milk.
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. You spin an announcement that you are downsizing and reducing
expenses.
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American
corporation declares bankruptcy.
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
Then you produce the game Cowkemon and become a billionaire.
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan
in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really had.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, but there is not enough milk for everyone. You all die from
malnourishment.
You have two cows. Technically, everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone
and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else because you are more equal than they are.
You have two cows. Everyone receives equal portions of the milk no matter how hard they work, so your neighbors decide not to
work at all. You all die from malnourishment.
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them at gun point, and you all share the milk... for a few months.
Then the people in charge of redistributing the milk hog it all, declaring themselves the most "important" people to the system
of communism. Some who disagree rebel, causing those in charge of redistribution remove the "rebel" region's "food" privileges.
Hundreds of thousands of innocents in the region are starved out. Then those in charge start demanding military service from
families' children in exchange for "licenses" to consume necessary goods. All people are forced at guns point by those who
control the guns to work as slaves for 18 hours a days to earn their "shelter" licenses. You then realize that you have not
gotten rid of capitalism, but rather unleashed the horrors of state capitalism, a system where the state becomes the most powerful, evil monopolist
humanly possible. Finally, while starving to death in your government subsidized hut, you realize that there are only two
economies in the world that you can choose from - state capitalism and free-market capitalism. You then realize, silently to yourself, for fear of speaking out
against "the people's" system, that communism was the wrong choice.
You have two cows. The government takes both, and give you the "milk".
You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs," and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them
"voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork.
Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local
party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.
Fidel Castro has two cows. They
are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and
placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You
have not seen milk since 1975.
You have two cows. The US blockades the island, so now no cow food can come into the island. The cows starve and the
Americans blame Castro. You now have nothing to eat and are angry, you believe the Americans and blame Castro too. You then swim
the Atlantic ocean to Miami, but a few feet away, you are detained by the coast guard and returned to Cuba. You are tried for
high treason. The Americans now have 250 million cows.
You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign
disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he
is talking about.
You used to have two cows, but they sailed to Miami.
You have two cows. The government takes you and the cows hostage, guzzles both of them and nearly starves you, and then
offers to not nuke the world if the international community provides aid.
You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a small amount of milk... once.
You have two cows. Both cows are seized, and then another revolution occurs. Just when everyone else is getting settled down,
another revolution occurs. Oh, and your cows are still missing.
You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again, and realize
you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count
the cows again, and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.
You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name
you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent," call their government an "Enlightened Centralized Executive," and ask for UN peacekeeping
troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.
You have two cows. One gives milk. The other doesn't. You promote the one that doesn't give milk (which also has pointy horns) to Dairy Manager,
so you don't have to waste time milking it.
You have two cows. This is the worst list of jokes you have ever read. Go burn your computer and kill yourself. But first,
Will me your cows, I'm thirsty.
You have two cows. The richer cow is taxed while the poor cow benefits from social programs.
British
You have three cows. You're sure the third one would give better milk than the other two, but you don't want to milk it in case
you're wrong.
Canadian
The government gives two cows to natives with treaty status.
The government takes an Indian band's land and gives it two cows in exchange. The calves must be sent to residential school,
where they are sexually abused and end up unable to produce milk. Anyway, there's not enough land on the reserve to graze cows.
White dairy farmers burn down the cow barns on the reserve to protest favoritism towards natives. The government sends in the
Cattle Guard to stop native dairy farming out of season.
You have two cows. Everybody in other provinces hates you because of your bovine assets, so the government takes one of your
cows and sends it to them as an equalization payment. They still hate you.
Motor City: You have two cows.
Detroit discovers that their sheep cannot possibly produce as much milk. Detroit has the SEC investigate your cows. Your cows are
seized as evidence and you never see them again. Nobody ever sees them again. Sheep sales continue to increase despite wool
causing "gullible warming". Lobbyists convince DC that children don't need milk because they don't purchase sheep. JEBodden -see
Doble Steam Cars (book) , also Tucker, the Man and His Dream (movie) - --Joseph Edward
Bodden 07:45, 18 Feb 2005 (UTC)
You have two cows, one black and one white. The voters are asked to name which one they prefer. Some who prefer the white cow
vote for the black cow. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite but their votes are declared
invalid. Some can't even figure out how to vote in the first place. After several weeks, outsiders come in and decide which one
is your favorite.
Japanese
You have two cows. The extra votes from the cows are enough to elect you as representative to the Diet. You pass a bill to multiply the
price of milk by eight.
You have two cows. One is stolen and the government redistributes the other one, in pieces, to previously disadvantaged
fellow citizens. You live on the milk you stashed away during the apartheid years.
You have two cows. You are the only cow owner smart enough to declare armed neutrality the foreign policy. None of your cows
are slaughtered in pointless conflicts and the other cow owners of the world put their milk in your fridge so it's not stolen by
their government to fight wars. You are amazed no one recognizes you have had 200 years of peace and copies your form of
government.
You have two cows. The government takes one away from you, paints a red star on it, and then cuts it to pieces with automatic
rifle fire. Then, the soldiers salute "Long Live Chiang Kai-Shek!" before they leave.
United States
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
You have two cows that your parents gave you. Your job provides you with four cows every month, but once a year, the
government takes away 24 of them. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually most of your
cows die from old age and over-milking. Then, the government provides you with half a cow every month (just enough so you don't
starve).
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has
only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk, and then blame Japan while border guards beat
up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports.
You have two cows. You work day and night feeding and milking them. You become rich from your effort from producing the most
milk per cow. Almost everyone has milk since it is mass produced and cheap. The public and the other cow owners call you selfish
and place a 50 percent tax on milk profits. You lose your motivation and milk outputs plummet. You sell your two cows and
purchase two crippled cows that can't produce any milk. The public calls you couragous and supports you with government
subsidies. Nobody can afford milk.
You have one billion cows. Your single parent neighbour's son dies of leukemia as she can not afford medical treatment. You
vote for a tax cut, because you want to buy another boat.
You have two cows. You are scared witless by CNN reports of terrorism and lock them in the barn. You attack terrorist
organisations that you funded in the first place. You attack countries based on faulty intelligence. You buy some freedom fries
and a half liter cola drink. You vote for the PATRIOT act. Your founding fathers roll in their graves.
You have two cows. Both cows hate each other, but they look exactly the same, act exactly the same, eat exactly the same, and
produce the same milk. They hold an election, and Florida uses obsolete voting cards. After months of intense and pointless
recounting, one cow wins.
You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die
and illegalize the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
You had two cows. You over milked the cows and sub-let their paddock as a car-park. Only one starving toxic cow remains. So
the government starts regulating cow-management so this doesn't happen again.
You have two cows. World War III starts over lack of oil resources, China invades Alaska and the U.S. annexes Canada. In two
brief hours, a hell of a lot nuclear missiles are sent from both sides and no-one knows who sent the first. Then, suddently, 80
years after - You are securely isolated in an underground vault, and the two cows have merged into each other and become one and
the same with two heads. Nearby surviving farmers take over your cow and names it "Brahmin". -OleMurder (http://www.geocities.com/OleMurder/)
You have two cows. The government gives you trillions of cows they stole from legitimate cow owners to disperse to the
cowless. The new cow owners pay you back in milk. You give a portion of the milk back to government officials to keep the scam
going. You become fabulously wealthy because no private company could possibly compete with you. You marvel at the wonders of
"free market capitalism".
You have two cows. You force one to drink 400 gallons of water a day. It stops producing milk and dies. You ban water. The
second cow has cancer. There is a cancer treatment that has existed for 15 years and has been proven to work, but can no longer
be produced because the synthesis requires water. It can't get the treatment it needs and dies. You put the company under
investigation.
You have two cows. Milk makes you healthy and makes you feel good. Feeling good is classified as 'being high'. Milk is
criminalized except by prescription.
You have two cows. You start to blame them for your feelings of guilt, resolve to stop repressing your unconscious sexual
urges, and are declared cured.
You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that
the government should be killed for owning cows.
You have two cows. The Holy Book does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.
You have two cows, a full-sized cow in the woods and a microcow in the city park. You visit other people's cows, and they
visit yours, and then you talk about it for days on the internet. Periodically you have to check your cows to make sure they're
still where you put them.
You have two cows. One has been infused with genetic components from the cocoa plant. That cow produces chocolate milk. One
has been infused with genetic components from the coffee plant. That cow produces latte's. Starbucks buys both and makes you sign
a non-disclosure agreement.
You have two cows whose genetic code was developed by hundreds of volunteer geneticists. The free DNA sequences and cow
synthesisers are made avaliable free of charge to anyone interested to use, modify, and/or redistribute them. Nobody takes them
up on the offer.
You have two cows. You profile them. One of them looks suspiciously bovine.
You make it disappear in the middle of the night and ship it outside the United States to be tar-tar'd. You neighbors can
count - they ask you where the missing cow is. You ask, "What cow?" and have the IRS audit them.
Idealism:
You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.
Incest
You have two cows. One jostles me about and I pinch its sexual organ. The other cow bites me and I have to go on an 8-week
course. However, the course makes me want to pinch both cows' sexual organs.
Industrialism:
You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
Ingsoc:
You have two cows, and you provide them with plenty of fresh Feedcow and clean, cool Cowdrink. However, Mincow declares this to
be a Cowcrime. You are taken away to have your Cowthink realigned with that of the Party. When you return you realize that your
two cows are actually five.
In Soviet Russia:
In America, you have two cows. In Soviet Russia, two cows have you.
You have two cows. They don't say "moo", they say "lol", "g2g", "brb", and "roflmao". Whenever you try to milk them, they
either warn you, block you, or log out.
You are a fat old cow, but you pretend that you're a pretty young farmer. Other bullocks who pretend to be bulls offer their
services in exchange for your milk, but you spurn them since you know that they're bullocks.
Intern:
You have two cows. Or rather, your boss has two cows and you are responsible for the day-to-day feeding, maintenance and upkeep
of them — in addition to the proper filing and distribution of their milk and other by-products while your boss takes credit for
your accomplishments. However, you are still able to retain credit for any foul-ups regarding the cows; be they yours, your
boss’, or the cows’. Although you will start this endeavor with great enthusiasm, you will slowly come to realize that you are
actually gaining very little benefit from this arrangement other than padding your résumé, and your enthusiasm will concurrently
wane in proportion to this process of realization. Eventually, before your designated date of departure from this slavish form of
employment, you will begin to seek to undermine the cow-boss relationship that you originally sought so vehemently to
promote.
You have two cows. They live next to two other cows. You arm one
of your cows and send him to the next field to "save the oppressed cows of the world". Nobody believes you but your other cow.
You now have 3 cows because you had to kill the other one in order to save it. The other cow is angry at you and the rest of the
cow world thinks you've become a bloody tyrant.
You have two cows. The United States sells arms to them both and fights them together. When terrorists attack the US, you
believe its because they lack your high moral standards.
Iran:
You have two cows. One gives radioactive milk. That cow is marked for martyrdom. You are executed because you know too much. The
other cow only gives nonfat milk and is killed for being a bad pun on Mooslim. (sic, isn't it?)
import twoCows.Joke;
public class{
public static void main(String[] args){
int numOfCows = 2;
if (numOfCows==2) System.out.println("You have " + numOfCows + cows.");
}
}
if (twocowsJoke == true) {
document.write ("You have "+numberofCows+" cows.");
}
return moo;
}
Judaism:
You have two cows. You neighbor, having no cows, claims that the cows are his. The king decrees that the group of cows shall be
cloven in two, each man recieving one cow. You throw yourself to the floor and beg to let the other man take both cows. The king
looks at you and says, "This won't make it into the Bible." You shuffle out with one cow.
Judicial
system:
You have two cows. Somebody takes them away from you. You spend over twenty years in courts trying to convict the man of stealing
your cows. A supreme court justice thinks you are gay and decides the cows are the other man's based on some form of logic you
don't understand. You later commit suicide and forty years later the Supreme court decides the cows could have been yours and
allow two cows born of those cows to your family. The cows die of disease days later.
Kafkaism:
You have two cows. One of them turns into a giant bug which eventually dies as a symbol of personal alienation from society. The
other one arrests you for an unspecified reason and in the end stabs you without an explanation, instantly nullifying the purpose
of your very existence.
Labor Unionism:
You have two cows. They band together with everyone else's cows to form the Cow Peoples' Union, or CPU. They demand higher wages
and shorter working hours. You respond by increasing wages and working hours. As your house burns and your windows are smashed
in, you realize that your life depends on these cows, and their happiness is part of your survival. You decide to tell that to
God.
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government.
The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for
her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
You have two cows. To hell with everybody else!
You have two cows. A large succession of purely ad hominem attacks are made against your cows by vested plundering socialist
interests and various other useful idiots created by the public school system. Your cows are then stoned to death by a mob who
declares the cows to be "apologists" for capital. Strawman attacks accuse you of being a monopolistic fascist. Amidst this
nonsense, you flee to a foreign country, while your home country commits economic suicide and then despairingly falls into
dictatorship. You then laugh, and declare the death of your two cows to be worth the price of admission for a front seat ticket
to the whole show.
You have two cows, but you keep trying to milk a pig, since the fact that the pig can't be milked, doesn't understand what
milk or cows is, and has no interest in the farm as a whole, are sure indications that it will produce the best milk.
You have two cows. You see the cows function best when they are not treated like they are worthless and told they must
produce their own milk if they are to survive in this world. The government steals them from you for trying to homeschool them
and they are raised in public schools. The cows lose all confidence in themselves and learn how to apply for financial aid. They
never produce a drop of their own milk.
You have two cows. Once you have installed them, both produce milk 24 hours a day, every day. The tail of one of the cows
doesn't work, and the other one walks backwards. You could fix this yourself, but you don't have time - since they are free, you
kill them both and get new ones each month, hoping to get normal cows. You never do, but the amount of milk produced increases
each time. You are also allowed to distribute cows.
Manglish:
Dey Tambi, naww I tau you ade tuu lembu. Wai ah never tell me wan?
Marxism/Leninism:
The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cow-herds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard
disintegrates over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and
sign-value of bovine leather.
Macintoshism/Applism:
You have two cows. Other farmers have four or five, but yours still produce more milk and don't just randomly fall over as often.
Also, your cows look nicer.
Mathematics #4:
You have two cows. Note that each cow when added or multiplied to the other, obeys the laws of Commutativity, Associativity,
Distributivity, Identity, and Inverses. You have just proven that both cows are members of a field. Both cows look at you,
unamused.
Mathematics #5:
You have two cows. You leave the proof of this as an exercise to the reader.
Mathematics (Invalid proofs):
Given that you have two cows, infinitely many cows exist.
First, observe that at least one cow (c0) exists. Let be defined as the set of all cows and define to be the set of all cows in your farm.
Define the predicate
.
Noting that n is an ordinal number, that is, , the second cow cannot exist independently of the
first cow, i.e. E(n + 1) iff E(n).
Consider the case when n = 0. Since c0 exists,
E(n) = E(0) is true. Similarly, it is given that c1 exists, and so E(n + 1) = E(1) is also
true. Therefore, .
Therefore
. Q.E.D.
(The flaw: works for
n = 0 only because E(0) and E(1) are both true by assumption. If n > 0, we only have
. It's a good thing that it
fails, too, because if it worked, "You are holding two apples in your hand." would imply "You are holding an infinite number of
apples in your hand.", which would not bode well for your continued survival.)
Militarism:
You have two cows. The government takes both cows and presses you into military service.
McFeudalism:
You have no cows. Occasionally you sneak meat-flavored sandwiches from your employer.
Molysmophobia:
You have two cows. You kill them in fear of disease. You eat them and then you catch Ecoli 147. You strut around for the rest of
your life, diseased and crippled.
Monarchy
(Constitutional):
You have one Cow and one Cow Apparent. According to tradition they are responsible for producing the farm’s milk. But real
milk-making authority lies with the cowalition in charge of Cowliament. With nothing else to occupy her time, the Cow Apparent
gets herself into various scandals involving wealthy bulls.
Monty
Hallism:
You have two cows. There's a 2/3 chance of one of them being behind a door you haven't picked.
You have two cows. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
You have two cows. One proclaimes itself to be the Black Knight. The other cow cuts off all of the first cow's legs. The cow
boasts 'tis only a flesh wound.
You know a dead cow when you see one...and you're looking at one right now.
Mooreism:
You have two cows. But you wish you'd never gotten them, and you always only talk about everything that's wrong with them, even
though they form the substance of your career. Oh, and you insist they're squirrels.
Moslamicism:
You have two cows. You put a jihad on their asses.
You have two cows. You kill the one with the big nose.
You have two cows. When it is realized that cows do not have a nation, and represent an inferior race of leeches, they are
gassed. You are drafted to work on the autobahn.
You have two cows. The govenment shoots you and keeps the cows.
Nerdism:
You have two cows. You sell one of them on eBay for several thousand dollars and buy a new computer with the profits. Then you
write a new operating system and use the second cow for the logo. Unfortunately, no one uses 'CowOs' because Windows is so
popular.
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other dry, and pours the milk down a drain. The
government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.
You have two cows. The government takes both, milks them until they die, and places IOUs in a giant storage tank to be paid
by future tax payers. The politicians now have billions of dollars of tax payer's money to dispense to special interests on the
condition that they become board members (with million dollar salaries) after they retire from "serving the people". The rest of
society wonders why they just can't seem to get ahead in the world. They are thankful for the meager social security checks the
wise politicians give them to keep them from starving.
You have two cows. So what? That doesn't prove anything.
There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the
universe.
No soap radio:
You have two cows. On a Monday, you milk them. They moo. A farmer comes and asks to buy one. You sell it to him. He slaughters
it. The next day, the farmer returns, and asks to buy the remaining cow. You sell it to him. He slaughters it. The next day, the
farmer comes back drunk, and asks to buy your six elephants. You don't have any elephants. The farmer leaves. You take a trip to
Africa to buy six elephants. The elephant dealer went out of business and is now selling used cars. You buy a used car. It's a
Ford Taurus. You drive it to the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro. The farmer is there. He has a hangover. He asks to buy your Toyota. No
soap radio.
Nuclear
fission:
You have two cows. You smash some milk into one and it splits into two smaller cows and many gallons of milk. The new milk causes
the other original cow to itself split into two smaller cows, giving you much more milk than you started with. You go to look for
a field of cows to split so that you can provide more milk for everyone else just so long as you don't make too much milk, which
would be dangerous.
Nuclear fusion:
You have two cows. You smash them into each other with so much force that they are transformed into many gallons of milk and a
bull. Since you no longer have any cows, you can't produce more milk or breed the bull. You wait until the bull is worth enough
to exchange for three cows. The milk is wasted.
The NRA : the National Rifle Association:
You had two cows. Now you have four sides of beef with perforations. Hunters claim Constitutional rights of alcohol and firearms,
in that order. Deal with it.
The NRC : the NRC (Nuclear Regulatory Commission):
You have two cows near a nuclear power plant. The milk glows in the dark. You report this to the NRC. The NRC uses it's influence
with County agencies to serve a search warrant on you allowing for blood tests to show any drug abuse on your part. No drugs are
found. Your cows are searched. No drugs are found. (In California) Everything is valid under 'good faith' - and you can't prove
what any particular mind believed at any given time. Meanwhile you can read by the light of the silvery moos... Nursery Rhyme:
You have two cows. They jumped over the moon.
You have two cows. They are married. One of them has an affair with Ayn Rand while writing lots of philosophical work. The
relationship goes south, Rand excommunicates said cows, declares that cows are irrational.
Cow is Cow.
Object
Orientedism
You have two objects of CowClass. Because you used the default constructor, they are both the same. You can not change their
properties because CowClass doesn't have any modifier methods. You are too lazy to write a subclass.
Olympics-ism:
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John
Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents,
then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered
before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a
multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government
officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
Paradoxism:
You have two cows. You sell one for a bull. You go in a time machine into the future and bring back all the cows that have been
reproduced by then. This makes it pointless to go into the future to get cows in the first place. This creates a paradox and the
universe folds in on itself.
Perl:
You have two cows. You release them on the CPAN so that they can get wider testing. Someone
reports back that one of the cows doesn't work correctly on VMS.
Pessimism:
You have two cows. They're going to die eventually.
PETAism:
You have two cows. You decide to sell them to a meat packing plant and retire from farming. The plant is blown up and all the
cows are "liberated". Three days later, the cows are euthanized and kept in a freezer for months before being buried. The irony
goes unnoticed until the next exposé, which is largely ignored.
Perotism:
You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.
PHP:
<?
if ($numcows == 2) {
echo "You have two cows!";
}
else {
echo "You have more or less than two cows.";
}
?>
Physics:
You have two cows. You assume each one to be a solid sphere of uniform density, ?. For all intents and purposes, you consider
this a good approximation.
You have two cows. The wall pushes back.
Piracy:
You have two cows. You clone them and sell them for cheaper than the genuine article. The cow seller gets angry at you for
distributing them cheaper than he does, and sues you.
Platonism:
You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.
Plutocracism:
You have two cows. Your richer neighbors get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you
become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of
"Cow-munism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.
Polish corporation:
You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them.
Political
Correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) a number of
(careful! can't be numerist) differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovine/lupine/ovine/caprine/equine/other (also
known as BLOCE*) of non-specified gender.
Postmodernism:
You have two cows. The subject is interpolated into a prematerial discourse that includes consciousness as a whole. The
characteristic theme of Tilton's critique of constructivism is the dialectic, and thus the paradigm, of neodialectic cows.
Pragmatism:
You have two cows. You have milk or you have beef, or milk and beef. No bull, that's all.
Protectionism:
You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.
Protestantism:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it
to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
Pseudophysicism
You have two cows. They appear to be 1m apart, but only in the non-abstract dimensions. In the abstract dimensions, they are over
3000 metametres away from both you and each other. And they produce milk, but to the power of -1.
Psychiatry:
1. You have two cows. You detect traces of abnormality in the grazing patterns of Cow A. After some weeks, you recommend 5mg
daily of Moo-zadol and group therapy with Cow B. Further studies are now being conducted.
Quebecism:
You may have two cows, as long as the anglophone one is smaller than the francophone one.
Quantum Mechanics You
have two cows... when you are looking at them. When you look away they do everything at once, even send information faster than
light. You dont understand why this is. You curse your primitive brain.
Racism:
You have two arbitary cows, A and B. They look slightly different on the outside. You fall into a habit of abusing and fearing
cow B. Cow B produces less milk and becomes more violent. You justify this as evidence that cow B was bad all along.
Rapper:
You grew up with six cows, and because you hated your parents you moved away at 16 and got shot. Now you have no cows because you
are black.
Rasputin:
You have two cows. One cow is shot four times, burned, stabbed, and left for dead on a street. Both die of drowning.
Redistributionism:
You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more
than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.
Relativity
Two cows have you. You house them, serve them food and drink, and discharge from excessive body fluids.
Special
Relativity
You have two cows. The total output of energy from these cows (E) = 2mc2,
where m is the mass of one cow.
General
Relativity
You have two cows. One starts to walk and their time streams unsynchronise.
Republicanism:
You have two cows. The Republican Party takes 1 glass of milk for every gallon produced if you're rich, 2 glasses if you're
poor.
RIAA-ism:
1) You have two cows. You bought each of them for 99¢. Good for you.
2) You have two cows. They were obtained illegally using a free service. You are threatened to be sued for thousands of dollars
because you have them.
Romeo and
Juliet:
You have two cows. So does your neighbor. You and your neighbor quarrel until both of your cows die. Then you spend the rest of
your money on a pointless monument and as you have no money left, you commit suicide.
Rothbardianism:
You have two cows. Realizing that Government is simply a coercive monopoly, the Cows abolish the government and replace it with
freely competing defense/rights protection agencies. Money is returned to its rightful place by having currencies on the
milk-standard.
Scottish Nationalism
You have two cows. The English have no cows.
The English buy your milk. You believe this is part of a long-term plan to steal your cows, so you stop selling them the
milk.
You used to have two cows, but the English took them away. They have now been given to you by Westminster, in a spirit
of pure generosity. You are free to make any decisions you like concerning the cows, but Westminster will tell you if you're
making the wrong ones.
You have two cows. A man offers to build a cowshed in exchange for one of the cows. Three years later he tells you it isn't
finished yet, and will actually cost you both cows.
Schrödingerism
You have two cows. They are simultaneously alive and dead. Don't open the box.
You have two cows. The Federal government taxes you into serfdom, taking all your milk, food, and money for the first half of
the year. Along with other cow owners, you trade one cow for guns and ammo to defend your property rights against
unconstitutional taxation, and hide your other cow. The government then invades your land to collect "the people's" taxes, and in
self-defense, you fire the first shot. Having committed the ultimate crime of defending yourself against government, you are
water-tortured into telling the whereabouts of your cow and your children are "reconstructed" by public schools into believing
that the state action was to stop slavery... even though you owned no slaves. All the slaves in your state are freed, then
immediately re-enslaved via conscription for the Federal government to be used as buffalo soldiers to commit genocide
on the native Indians. Today, all blacks, whites, and the few remaining natives are enslaved to the Federal government via income
taxes.
You have a Union of two cows. The cows have different ideological and economic needs. Before the healthier cow can control
the weaker cow, the weaker cow secedes from the Union of cows. After disagreement both cows try to turn each other into
mince-meat. You now have two weaker trumatized cows with less contrast between ideologies.
Sibling
Rivalry
You have two cows. You also have their mother. When the mother dies and leaves a vast pile of hay, your two cows struggle over
it. Eventually, you hire a lawyer, who splits the hay and then takes the entire thing as his pay.
Situationism:
You do not have two cows, but indirectly pseudo-experience them through the spectacle. Your cows are expelled from the
Situationist International by Guy Debord.
Socialism:
You have two cows. The cows milk themselves.
Socialism—Bureaucratic:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much
milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Sophism:
You have two cows. That is ONE cow and ONE cow. Two ones next to each other is 11 cows. 11 cows minus two cows is nine
cows. The District Attorneys office of Mendocino County is suing you for property tax evasion on the nine cows you are
obviously concealing with the full authority of County Counsel backing them up. If your cows are pets they are not really mammals.
Solipsism:
You have two cows, but they only exist as part of your mind.
Special Air
Service:
You have two cows. They have no names. You have no name. I have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it?
sql> SELECT COUNT(*) FROM Cows WHERE FarmerName="You";
+----------+
| COUNT(*) |
+----------+
| 2 |
+----------+
1 row in set (0.00 sec)
Squirrel-ism:
You have two cows. You milk one while storing the other away for Winter. One day, the human race will fall.
Stalinism:
You have two cows. You fear a revolt by the cows to take over your farm. So, you kill them both. You change your farm into a
weaponry mass-production plant to feed yourself. However, you are still starving.
Stock Market:
You have two cows. They produce lots of milk until a bear comes and attacks them. They are severely wounded, their children die
off, and they refuse to produce milk. They then start to recover and produce milk when federal interest rates rise, still not
outperforming inflation but enough to kill your cows off.
Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government paints one green and requires the other to give you accordion lessons.
Survivorism:
You have two cows. They get taken to a remote farm and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol." Then they vote
each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal
paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.
Taliban
You had two cows but they were infidels - and females - so you got executed. You would have gotten a lighter sentence but you
were also accused of teaching them how to read.
Thatcherism
You have two cows. You only feed the one that produces the most milk. When the other one dies, you explain that this has made the
market more efficient.
Theocracy — Iranian style:
You have two cows. All the world believes only one is a dictator and the other is a democrat, but you can't see any difference
and badly want to get rid of both.
Theocracy — Saudi style:
You have two cows. The government says God has appointed it as the Eternal Guardian of the Two Holy Cows and pockets all the milk
revenues. It grants you the choice either to spread the divine message or to suffer decapitation.
Theocracy — Taliban style:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
Taoism:
The cow that can be milked is not the true cow.
(Good thing you have two.)
Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Trumpism:
You have two cows. They are the yoogest cows anywhere in the world. You form a reality show called "The Cowprentice" in which
other cows compete to live on your farm. You then find out that your farm is going bankrupt.
United
Nationism:
You have two cows. France and Russia veto you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you.
China abstains.
UFO:
You have two cows. The next morning, you found their body parts scattered all over your fields. Then, you found an image of a
smiley alien face on your corn field.
'Un-funny Joke-ism:'
You have two cows. You tell a joke about one of them. You tell a joke about the other one. You tell a joke about both of them,
together. You tell a joke about none of them. You tell a joke about ... oh wait people stopped reading a long time ago.
Vampirism:
You have two cows. You leave them in the pasture overnight during a full moon and they become vampires. As a sign of this, their
milk turns pink. Fortunately, cows lack cuspids
and so cannot drink blood. You throw out the milk and burn the cows.
Vandalism:
You have two cows. You get caught walking out of the toilets after vandalising the cows over a period of three weeks. Your mom
and dad find out and your school gains a bad reputation.
You have two cows. You can't eat them, but you can feed them mass-produced grain, the harvesting process for which kills
several thousand small field animals. You ignore this.
You have two cows. Instead of eating them you eat the grain. This is 10 times more efficient and ends world hunger.
You have two cows. Instead of eating them you eat vegetables. Everyone else mocks you. You live longer and healthier. So do
the cows.
You have two cows. It is normal in your culture to kill them and eat their corpses, but you dont. Shakey arguments are used
to condemn your lifestyle.
You have two cows. You write about how they sit around and do nothing for a few weeks, then realize no one reads your stupid
website and slit your wrists while listening to Good Charlotte.
You have two cows. You created a pasture for your cows by using the ones from your sheep. They argued among themselves over
the pasture and later fought each other for the pasture. Since then, you never have a good night sleep because of the
bombings.
You have two cows. You steal the pasture of other cows and when they retaliate you cry to America. They give you billions of
dollars so you keep taking more pasture land in the hopes of getting more money. You repay America by bombing the USS Liberty.
The Wikibooks project had a
Jokebook which it deleted in December 2005.
The Internet Archive Wayback Machine had a copy of some of the jokes
from March/April 2005 and these are copied above, in three sections: "What do you call ...?", "Two cows", and "Knock, knock".
The edit links do not work.
All Wikibooks text is available under the terms of the
GNU Free Documentation License.
Henry Bottomley
(I also have some statistics jokes - nothing to do with Wikibooks).